Moss: Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When did? Moss: Yes. She's a little bit weird, to say the least. Moss: Oh, it's just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball. Moss: A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.
Roy: Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan". I've clearly gotten you overexcited. Moss: Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting. I might even need these [puts on even larger glasses]. Denholm: [answers phone] Hello? Well if you can't work as a team you're all fired. That's it, you heard me, fired! Get your things and go. Everyone on floor 4 is fired.
Escort them from the premises. And do it as a team. Remember, you're a team and if you can't act as a team, you're fired too.
Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team. They may have to escort the current security team from the building for not acting like a team. Denholm: I hope this doesn't embarrass you, Jen, but I findd the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long, hard stare Roy: [On the phone] Oh really?
Why don't you come down here and make me that? Do you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you! You can come down here anytime and I'll be waiting for ya!
Moss: [On the phone] Hello, IT. Ya ha? Denholm: That's the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people, not doing much work and having affairs! Roy: Yeah, I mean they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them! Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed Roy: Actually, you know, that doesn't really work, as a thing, because jam lasts for ages. Team, team, team, team, team. I even love saying the word 'team'.
You probably think this is a picture of my family? It's a picture of The A-Team. Bodie, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man. Roy: I mean, they have no respect for us up there! Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!
Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe. If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. Forgot your password? Retrieve it. TV Shows. Goth IT technician Richmond Avenal Noel Fielding , who resides in the dark server room, also features in a number of episodes. The comedy premiered on Channel 4 on 3 February , and ran for four series of six episodes each.
Although a fifth series was commissioned, it was not produced. The programme was concluded with a special, one-off episode, that aired on 27 September The show was critically acclaimed and has become a cult television series.
Year: 12, Views. Roy: [singing] We don't need no education. Moss: Yes you do; you've just used a double negative. Roy: I'm not turning it up to eight Moss! It'll blow my cock off! Moss: Awright, 'arry? See that ludicrous display last night? Postman: What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early? Moss: Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in. Postman: True.
See you later, Moss. Moss: I'm at the end of my flipping tether! It's not like you to use that sort of language! Moss: Flip off! Moss: This is the scientific breakthrough of the afternoon!
Roy: Oh. Moss: What time of the month? The weekend? Jen: [Roy is trying to shut him up] No. Moss: Does aunt Irma visit on the weekend? Jen: You know its high tide. Moss: But We're not on the coast Roy: Moss! Jen: I'm Closed for maintenance. Moss: Closed for maintenance? Roy: Moss! Jen: I've fallen to the communists. Moss: Well they do have some strong arguments. Roy: [Finally putting it to words] Carrie Moss! First scene in Carrie! Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
Bomb Disposal: It's er Moss: We're going to die! Moss: I can't go to jail, Roy! They'll rape the flip out of me! I mean "Five! Denholm's called a general. Jen: Oh no! Not another one. Roy: [sotto voce] My bollocks? Moss: Is this the emergency services? Roy: Well, like all women she's shoe-mad Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: You know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes? Moss: [annoyed] Made in Britain. Moss: It's fine. I've sent an email.
TV Announcer: 3. Moss: What was all that about? Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad. Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it? Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
Roy: Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine? Roy: You turned it off? Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did. Roy: Because you remember what happened last time, right?
That was very funny! Roy: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died. Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire. Roy: Just make sure it's off. Roy: It is off. I think. Roy: Well just make sure it is. Moss: I will make sure it is. Roy: And if it's already off? I'll just walk away.
Moss: Well that's easy to remember. Jen: Why are you doing this? Roy: The same reason I do everything, Jen; to have sex with a lady. Roy: There are a lot of Shabba Ranks in your hard drive. Moss: You're not going to Adam and believe this! Roy: What would your murder weapon be?
Moss: A hammer. Moss: Well, mine doesn't sound any good now. Roy: Lets hear it. Moss: [hesitates] "I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman! Moss' Mum: [Moss is in toilet] Moss, what are you doing? Roy: I didn't know you did the whole lonely hearts thing. Jen: Come on, Moss. Don't be silly. Jen: Oh, be a man, Moss.
Moss: You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man Please don't shut the door. Jen: I won't. Moss: Goodbye, Jen. Moss: I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere. Food's great. Jen: Really? Jen: Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person. Moss: Jen, why don't you tell them about your Bionic arm. Jen: Isn't that good? Moss: No, it is not good! She has put down her current mood as 'sensual'.
Moss: Big you up to the max. Jen: By Moss: Listing your fictional achievements. Jen: And Jen: Maybe not the last one. We don't want to sound too smug. Moss: We have two lovely children, Zenith and Quasar. Moss: It certainly helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.
Moss: These toys may smell of wee come the morn. Moss: You're going close encounters crazy, Roy! Moss: Yeah, except to Italian. Or people who can understand Italian.
Roy Trenneman: Her parent died in a fire. Jen Barber: Oh, God. I'm sorry, that's horrible. Roy Trenneman: Yeah, yeah, it was a fire At Sea Parks. Moss: [after a pause] Sea Parks? Roy Trenneman: Yeah. Jen Barber: With the Roy Trenneman: With the whales and everything, yeah Roy Trenneman: That's right. At the sea lion show, apparently. Jen Barber: Aren't those shows usually out in the open? Roy Trenneman: Well, yeah, I mean that's what I would've Jen Barber: Lots of water everywhere.
Jen Barber: It just seem like a weird place to go on fire. Moss: There are twelve exits, Moss. Twelve exits! For only people. Moss: You don't close encounters crazy, Roy. You need to let it go. Julia: What are you doing? Roy Trenneman: [hastily closing a laptop] Julia: What are you doing on the computer? Roy Trenneman: [after a pause] Roy Trenneman: [with normal voice] What smoke? Oh, yeah, smoke Jen: That's a "Shithead of the Year" award.
Moss: No, he took the ring to Mordor. Moss: Oh shut up Dumpo! The elephant that got dumped! Douglas: Damn that sorcerer! Douglas: Pucker up boys. It's hammer time! Roy: So? Roy: I wanna go for a ride in the helicopter! Jen: Then grow a pair of tits.
Douglas: Ah, Jen. Can I have a word with you? Douglas: OK, OK. That wasn't what I was going to ask actually. Jen: Oh? Douglas: Yes, it was something Jen: What department is this? Douglas: [confused] Sorry? Roy: People, what a bunch of bastards. Moss: I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend! Jen: Oh my God! Roy: What, wha-what is it? Jen: Denholm's dead! Moss: Oh yes, and Denholm's dead! Jen: You brush your teeth in the bath? Roy: Yeah, so? Jen: Thats where your balls are.
Maurice Moss: When I was 11 I broke the patio window and my mum sued me. Jen Barber: She sued you? Roy: How do you feel? You feel ready? Maurice Moss: I would use my robot hand for good! Maurice Moss: Whereabouts on the ass did he kiss you?
Oh Dear! Roy: File Peter. So that would be Peter File. Moss: Who's a paedophile? Roy: No no, his name is Peter File. Moss: His name is Paedophile? Moss: Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba. Roy: [shouts] I'm not a window cleaner. Prime: [to Moss] A fan of tiny biscuits. You are full of surprises. Ivana: [to Roy] Will I see you tonight?
Moss: Not now, Ivana. Roy: Did you have sex with that lady? Roy: That sounds like sex. Jen: Oh, my God. Before you brought it to their table? Jessica: I don't think that's Elton John. Moss: What the heck is Tapas? Jen: You know Tapas, tiny food from Spain. Moss: Oh yes tape-as. Jen: Yeah, that's not how you say it. Moss: Oh yes it is. Jen: You're a tape ass! Roy Trenneman: Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French?
Maurice Moss: It went viral at Of course I've seen it. Roy Trenneman: I must have been in the toilet.
Roy Trenneman: Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones! Roy Trenneman: And now Anonymous are after us. Well that's just ideal. Jen Barber: Oh, bunch of nerds sitting at their computer. What can they do? Jen Barber: Well let's get it before it gets us.
Maurice Moss: It was three months ago, Jen. Jen Barber: It was three months ago. Maurice Moss: I will take my ears to the grave. Douglas Reynholm: Two words. Women's slacks. Jen Barber: Well, what does that mean? Jen Barber: Autistic!
She said, "Autistic. Roy Trenneman: No, I don't I don't think so. Jen Barber: There's no "artistic spectrum". Jen Barber: Didn't have the required gravitas? Jen: 'Cradle Of Filth'? I presume that's a band. Richmond: Hmm. Jen: It's not literally a cradle of filth. Richmond: Ooh, no! That would be horrible! Jen: How come you never see Goths driving cars? Jen: Can I ask you two a question?
Roy: Please, Christ, yes! Moss: Wait, wait, one moment. Jen: How can you two live like this? Moss: "How can you two Roy: Don't Google the question, Moss! Moss: Notice anything? Moss: Guess. Roy: Your eyes? Something wrong with your eyes. Moss: What? No, I have a new cup. What's wrong with my eyes? Moss: There's a picture of me on it. No there isn't!
Roy: No, there isn't Moss. Roy: There is nothing on the cup! Moss: Wrangle with him, and you will find your hands full, my friend. Roy: Wrangle with who? There's no one there! Roy: Where what is? Moss: The picture. Roy: OK. Where's the picture, Moss? Moss: It's on the base, Roy. Roy: What is that? Jen: Goat's cheese salad. Roy: Ugh! Jen: You don't like goat's cheese? Moss: Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first? Douglas : Turn that off.
Denholm Reynholm : I've been using a very creative accountant, recently released from jail to manage what I call, a suck fund. Douglas : Where's the remote?
Denholm Reynholm : Now a suck fund Goodbye, Father! I'm off. I'll see you all on Monday,. Sign In. Showing all 5 items. Jump to: Quotes 5.
You're like a pair of horrible old women. Moss : What did she say? Roy : She said we're like horrible old women. Moss : She didn't. Denholm : Hey, guys. I hear you've got something to tell me. Roy : Err yes well , it's like this. Denholm : Look at you. My IT team. Team players, each and everyone of you. Roy : Yeah, well she ahh Denholm : There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team.
Well if you can't work as a team you're all fired. That's it you heard me, fired. Get your things and go. Hello security. Everyone on floor four is fired. Escort them from the premises and do it as a team. Remember you're a team and if you can't act as a team you're fired too. Get on to recruitment. Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team. They may have to escort the current security team from the building for not acting like a team.
I even love saying the word team. You probably thing that's a picture of my family. Uh uh. It's the A Team. The whole lot of them. So what do you want to tell me. Moss : Well it's just not working out.
Roy : Hahaha. He's joking. Moss : But you said. Denholm : Not working out? Roy : Oh no! We are getting on like a big house on fire.
Moss : My ear's getting hot! You know what, we should leave now because, you know, you're a busy man and we've taken up far too much of your time. Jen, could you just get the door for me, there? Jen : Absolutely Roy! Denholm : So, why did you come here in the first place? Roy : Errmmm. We set up a voice activation system on your computer.
Err I think you're gonna enjoy it. It might just take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice but none the less go ahead. Thank you very much, bye bye. Denholm : Thank you. How exciting. Hello computer. Roy : I mean, what good are you? You obviously don't know anything about computers. Jen : No. But okay. But I can learn. You know, I mean. For example, Moss, you could take me through what you're doing right now.
Moss : I'd be delighted. I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code. Jen : Oh, I see. Oh God, no I'm lying again I didn't understand any of that, I don't know anything about computers. I mean, I'm absolutely useless to you I might as well pack up and go home. Laura : Hi. Is, Roy around? Roy : Hello there little lady. Are you lost? How can I help you? I'm Roy. Laura knees him in the bollocks and proceeds to beat him senseless Well here I am!
Roy : Not the face! Not the face! Laura : Yeah well, maybe this'll teach you to treat people with a little bit of respect. Roy : Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone earlier? Jen : Oh my God. Are those Manolo's? Laura : Oh, yes. Jen : They are gorgeous. Were they expensive? Laura : No, no, no. Got them in the sale. Jen : Oh God, clever you. I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain like that. Laura : Well, I should take you shopping.
Jen Yeah, no that would be fantastic. Yeah, nice to meet you. Roy : Nice meeting you. Moss : Chairman wow! You've just diffused that entire situation. Jen : What situation? Oh that, yeah. Oh my God, does that happen a lot? Moss : They're fairly regular the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating. Roy : Oh it's not all that bad. Moss : Come on Roy, it's pretty bad.
Jen : Maybe I could help with this, you know, I mean, I'm a people person, and people like you need a person to deal with people; a people person like me. Oh my God.
Ideas are coming, things are happening here. Okay, okay. What would you say? Moss : It can't be done. You're crazy. Jen : What would you say Roy? Roy's passed out. Okay, I need a felt tipped pen, and some paper. Roy : Really really, it was a true story. Office girl : I don't know why we don't go out with you IT guys more often. You're hilarious! Roy : Yes, we are!
Jen : You guys should come down here more often. You should see this as a new era for Reynholm Industries. Roy : "A new era for Reynholm Industries" Oh, you what, if you want to hear something really funny, a really funny story, you should hear what happened to Moss and I when we were so drunk in Amsterdam that Moss lost his glasses.
Come here, come here. Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam. Moss : Really? Roy : Yeah, yeah.
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